people pleasing
I have a sign that says, "You can't make everyone happy, but you can make them all mad." Truth much? In a house with 9 other people, I can announce that we're going out for ice cream in the awesome stretch sports car that I rented where we will meet all of their favorite bands and that we'll stop at the pet store on the way home and they can all pick out a new pet, and there would still be groans. And not just from WonderHubs who would be tallying up the bill and reminding me of the no more "carbon-based lifeforms" rule. Someone wouldn't like the color of the stretch sports car. Someone would not be in the mood for ice cream because they were cold. That's just life with a big family. Nobody's happy with their circumstances 100% of the time, and nobody sticks to the allotted misery hours.
I'm a moderately opinionated and stubborn person. Can you hear WonderHubs and my mother laughing about that one? Moderately. Ha! For years I figured this excluded me from the people pleasing group. After all, I wasn't going to change who I was because someone didn't like me. In fact, I'm the type to dig my heals in even more if you tell me I should change. I was more likely to be defensive than to change because I didn't make someone happy.
Defensively NOT changing a behavior is, in effect, no different than changing a behavior, as a result of not pleasing someone.
I am an opinionated, stubborn people pleaser. The older I've gotten and the more children I've had to let me know that I did NOT tie their shoes correctly, the more aware I am that I suffer from acute and chronic people pleasing. And, oh, this makes me angry. It makes me angry at myself for not being able to meet expectations. It makes me angry at others for having expectations. It makes me angry with others when they fail to show gratitude for my efforts even if they did disappoint. It leaves me empty and not wanting to do anything for anyone. And that's not the person I want to be. I want to freely give and serve others. I want to love lavishly.
No matter what kind of people pleaser you are, the pain of disappointing is all too tangible. The factors that feed our people pleasing and subsequent pain, are numerous and complicated. Over the next few posts, I'll be unpacking some of those. Today, though, I want to focus on the most important aspect of people pleasing. It's not rocket science. You've probably heard it before, but it bears repeating. I need to hear this over and over again, everyday. There is only One who you were ever designed to please.
The problem with people pleasing is that you are attempting to please people. I know...deep. When the pain of disappointing others cuts too deep, you can be sure that your motives and your focus are all kinds of off. Attempting to make everyone, most everyone or even just certain people in your life happy, will always lead to feeling inadequate and frustrated.
“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,”
You've likely heard this verse before. Do everything as if you were doing it for the Lord. The context of this verse is so interesting though! In the preceding verses, Paul lays out some rules for our relationships. He talks about husbands and wives, fathers and children and even bondservants. During this time in history, a bondservant likely referred to someone who was under contract to serve someone else for 7 years and would then be paid a wage and declared free. Sisters we are bondservants in this world. We serve others, often without thanks or any reward. Sometimes it feels hollow. Make the sandwich, do the laundry, clean the bathroom. But we know that, by the grace of God we will be not only freed, but also rewarded!
This is what Paul says to bondservants:
“Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord.”
Ouch! Am I doing that laundry for eye-service and expecting to be recognized for it? Are the sandwiches I make meant to please people or are they for the purpose of nourishing the ones that God has entrusted to me? Is my heart sincere in serving the Lord as I go about the tasks of my day or am I hoping to impress...my neighbors? my mother? the general public? whoever might walk through my door?
You know those times, that you have a really awesome surprise for someone, but they're really just not being nice? Maybe you're planning to take them to their favorite restaurant, but they're complaining that you're out of cheese puffs? You know the better thing is just waiting for them. The better thing is waiting for you! The reward is not when your husband notices that you organized the closet. The reward is not that your children thank you for each glass of water (although, certainly we should teach them gratitude and the expression of that gratitude). Your reward waits for you. Your Heavenly Father sees you. He sees your heart, Beloved. And when you've spent your day running in circles, caring for those he's entrusted to you, and the laundry isn't done and dinner is instant oatmeal, again, and you're late for another appointment, God sees your heart. When your kids are complaining because their favorite shirt isn't clean and they can't stand noodles (today), He sees your sincere offering. When your husband comes home and does the breakfast, lunch and dinner dishes and you feel that twinge of guilt, He sees the times you let your day be interrupted to serve others. He doesn't look at you and see the piles of laundry. He doesn't see the dinner that wasn't made from scratch or the dishes in the sink. He sees His daughter, who spent her day, doing her very best to care for the precious gifts He gave her.
When we allow the judgement of others to dictate our value and success, we will always lose. There is only One who we were ever meant to please and He is the only One who can evaluate our failures and successes. Only when we can begin to understand how the Lord sees us, can we begin to thrive.
