surviving teenagers
Teenagers. If you have them, you're probably saying that word in the same intonation in your head as I am. If you don't have teenagers yet, you're probably a little terrified of what the coming years might bring. And if you're teens are now grown, I hope you're laughing at the days behind you (but maybe that's just my blissfully ignorant optimism).
When my oldest ones were little, people told me things like, "The bigger they get, the bigger the problems get," and, "Just wait," and, " Enjoy them while they're little!!" And honestly I was pretty sure that most of those people had just forgotten what it was like to have babies and toddlers and preschoolers. They must not have remembered what it was like to deal with a small army of illogical, impulsive, tiny humans. I mean they did things like dumping a box of Bisquick on the floor because they were sure there were pancakes in there. They put Bag Balm in each other's hair and flooded the bathroom more than once in an attempt to make an indoor pool. They put things in the toilet and painted with poop during nap time. They ran circles around me and I was exhausted! And these people with kids who could get themselves dressed and into and out of the car thought they had problems! Ha!
Years have passed and I'm happy to report that all of the older ones are potty trained and they can even make pancakes now! I still have littles, although I've just left the infant and toddler stages behind. I've said before that it doesn't matter how many kids you have, it's hard. I think the same is true of their ages. It doesn't matter how old your kids are. It's still hard. It's still rewarding (OK, sometimes it doesn't feel that way). I know moms who are hurting over adult children, and I can personally vouch for almost all the other ages...it's hard.
Once you get into the teen years though, something changes. Hopefully you realize pretty quickly that your babies are turning into their own people. Individuals with feelings and struggles and wins and losses and strengths and weaknesses. When they're little it can feel like your kids are an extension of yourself. I mean, if you're spending every waking hour with them and some sleeping hours too, making sure all their needs are met, being their everything, it can seem like they're a part of you. And they are. When they go to school, and you are the highlight of their day, their champion, the one they tell everything to and trust to know how to deal with it all, they still seem close enough to be a part of you. But that changes as they seek their independence. They start to question if you really do know what's what and how to handle it all. I mean, is it possible that their mom isn't really all that cool? Yikes!
Once you could post sweet pictures of them on your Facebook or Instagram. You could share the funny stories. You could ask if anyone had any potty training tips or had dealt with constipation in babies. But teenagers get really mad when you post about their bowel movements online. And when you say bowel movement they roll their eyes and say, "Mooom, can you not?" And you used to be able to get together with your friends and trade war stories and laugh and cry and commiserate. But now your friends are your kids' friends moms and it's hard to find the line about what's ok to share with them about your teenagers.
It's hard to see your kids struggle. So hard! I have been through times with my older kids that I thought would break me. And my hope is in this: that I know that God is at work and that He has a plan. My hope is that one day I will see those hard times with teenagers redeemed for sweet times with adult children who love the Lord and will rise up and call me blessed and take me for ice cream and always splurge on sprinkles (a mom can hope, ok?!?). But one of the hardest things about it all, is the feeling of isolation. It can be oh, so lonely as a mom of teens. Not only does it kind of feel like someone ripped your arm off, but you can't even tell anyone about it!
So what can you do? When instead of running circles around you, they're doing donuts around you in a car in a parking lot and it's not only exhausting but it's downright terrifying too? Here are five things you can do.
- Talk to God about them. He already knows it all, so you're not betraying any confidences. He's a great listener, an amazing comforter and a wonderful counselor. You can pour it all out to God and trust them to Him.
- If you're married, be besties with your hubby. When kids are little and one parent is the primary caretaker while one is growing a career and planning a future, it's easy to get disconnected. Make the effort to reconnect and talk to each other.
- Find someone who is safe to talk to. We hear a lot about tribes today. It's OK if your tribe changes as your kids grow. I know that you thought that your tribe would always be the same, but that tribe might have a new purpose for you. And you might be a part of another tribe and that's alright. It's important to have someone that you can process with as you walk the road of parenting teens. Find someone who will not divulge what you tell them, who will not look at your kid differently, but will love on you and your kiddo no matter what! Be that kind of friend!
- Ask for help. Teenagers face things today that previous generations didn't. They face things we might no understand. If you're teen is hurting beyond what seems "normal" or they're in trouble, ask for help. It doesn't make you a bad mom. We all need some help sometimes.
- Don't compare your kid to other kids. Pay no attention to social media. We've all heard the wise old adage, "Don't compare your behind-the-scenes to someone else's highlight reel." Don't do it! Look I get it. I just wanted one nice picture of eighth grade graduation. But my soon to be freshman didn't want to be there. I have some pictures I'm hoping to maybe use in a wedding slide show someday, but they didn't match everyone else's pictures of smiling kids, excited over their achievement. And I promise you, that kid at church or down the street, who looks like the model citizen, has their own set of struggles. Your teen is your teen. God orchestrated that as much as He did the first time you held them as a baby.
